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I Remember
I remember a vacation in Arizona in March, 1992, when it became exhausing to vacation,
when a hot flash (panic attack?) interrupted a Sunday.
I remember a family reunion in June when a softball game and a run to first base was felt
for weeks after.
I remember the "flu" in July that would not go away.
I remember a doctor saying "Your tests are all fine" , and another "Get a
health club membership" and another suggesting a psychiatrist.
I recall a doctor turning his back on me, ignoring me, and doing his paper work.
I remember my mother saying it was all in my head.
I remember believing I must be losing my mind.
I remember finding a doctor in Milwaukee who listened, who understood, who had a name for
my illness.
I remember it was too exhausitng for me to drive to Milwaukee.
I recall telling people I had Epstein-Barr/Chronic Fatigue and they sent cards and gifts
and wishes for a speedy recovery in the beginning.
I remember trying to continue working but going home from the office earlier and earlier
and finally taking a leave of absence.
I remember the bedside clock saying 1 a.m. and 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. and my eyelids being so
heavy but unable to close.
I recall the muscle spasms that jerked me awake just when rest seemed within reach.
I will never forget the 1992 political campaign, Tonya and Nancy, the O.J. trial.
I remember bizarre talk shows, helping me - for awhile - forget my aches and pains.
I remember countless videos and books but few endings.
I remember craving Good 'N Plenty candy.
I recall forgetting how to write a check and drive a car and doing nothing for a very long
time.
I remember being told often, "But you look so good."
I remember putting Preparation H on my toothbrush.
I recall thinking that maybe I shouldn't be living alone.
I remember Claritin and Hismanal, Zoloft and Nortriptyline, Zantec and Xanax, vitamins and
ginseng, and various antibiotics.
I recall discovering the soothing sound of classical music.
I remember realizing who my real friends were.
I recall the exhaustion of taking a shower, visiting with friends, preparing a meal.
I will never forget the long aisles of the grocery store which had no chairs to sit on.
I remember applying for disability and being honest and the questioning looks and the
denials.
I recall the appeals hearing and the long walk from a parking lot to the federal building.
I won't soon forget the denial letter citing my ability to garden and go to church and my
college degree.
I remember going to the bank and knowing that this was the rainy day.
I recall discovering flower catalogs that come in the dead of winter.
I remember stopping to smell the roses -- and plant them.
I remember reading that caffeine, alcohol, and sugar are bad -- and not giving up sugar.
I recall "letting go" of my college-age daughter and the independence that now
becomes her.
I remember learning to say no to fmaily, friends, church, and organizations.
I remember nosebleeds, headaches, forgetting addresses, digestive distress, and a pounding
heart.
I recall hating myself for feeling resentful toward my sister who had leukemia and got
disability and I didn't.
I remember resenting the many who wear red ribbons to bring AIDS to our consciousness when
few people even know what Chronic Fatigue is.
I remember that I once was thin and had a flat stomach.
I recall returning to work and finding I had lost my private office.
I remember sharing an office with two people and two phones that was too warm and had a
constant hum in the ventilation system which drowned out the one in my head
I remember learning to say no to clients and supervisors.
I remember being amazed that I only occasionally fogot names, dates, or new procedures.
I recall that winter was too cold and summer too hot.
I remember being surprised at the friendliness and dedication of the medical community
when I had what was thought to be an abnormal mammogram.
I remember my disappointment when the baseball strike dragged on and on and on.
I recall the thrill of getting a paycheck again.
I remember the satisfaction of sleeping, uninterrupted, for hours at a time.
I remember returning to the pleasure of going to a shopping mall (at non-peak,
non-holiday, not-too-early or too-late times).
I recall the satisfaction of sorting a drawer and putting together a photo album and
exploring my roots.
I remember writing Ann Landers and Dr. Peter Gott and getting no response.
I remember writing elected officials about Chronic Fatigue and getting polite response.
I remember asking God why.
I remember feeling sad and tired and weak and hopeless and crying - and then knowing this
too would pass.
I remember that baseball came back.
I recall the thrill of spring coming again.
I remember realizing that I would need to live my life differently.
I recall that much of what I remember was just yesterday.
Carol
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